Wednesday, January 14, 2009

Top five meanest things Jason has ever done.

I saw this little write-up that Mark Pellegrini did on the PelleCreepy blog- very amusing. Please click the title for a link to numbers 4 through 1!

We all do mean things some times. Maybe when you were in elementary school you called the kid who was bad at soccer “gaywad”, or maybe you were rude to that lady at the post office this afternoon because you had a bad day at work. Nobody’s perfect and we all act like pricks without reason some time or another. But when Jason Voorhees loses his temper and acts like a jerk…holy shit.

I know what you’re thinking: "Jason kills people for a living, isn’t that already some pretty mean-spirited behavior"? Not really. Jason kills people. It’s what he does. Is a coyote “being mean” when he eats a rabbit? Is an accountant “being mean” when he shreds paper? No. So when Jason buries a machete into that annoying little pot-smoking douchebag, he isn’t “being mean”, he’s just doing his job.

However, there are moments when Jason loses his temper, stops doing his job and starts acting like an asshole. And these are some of my favorites.
#5: Jason does your mom in “Jason Goes to Hell: The Final Friday”
What happened:
As we’ve known since Day One, Jason is in fact a demonic little monster called the “Hell Baby”, capable of possessing people’s bodies for short periods of time, causing them to decompose rapidly. The signs were everywhere, people, if only you paid attention.

Anyhow, so Jason’s niece, Jessica, and her infant son are at the old Voorhees house where Jason grew up, waiting to ambush him and kill him for good. Jason shows up and, after delivering a few lines of dialogue (no, really), he goes all Hell Baby and winds up getting tossed into the basement. While down there, he is presented with two options: he could open up the crate from “Creepshow” (making a completely random cameo) and possess the killer monkey monster inside, becoming the most kickass thing in cinema history…or he can fuck your mom.

That douchebag chooses the latter. Or, more specifically, he chooses to crawl up the snatch of Jessie’s dead mother, who also happens to be his half sister. This, as it happens, allows Jason to be reborn in his old body (and old clothes and hockey mask, for some reason). So, even though Jessie sends him to Hell at the end of the movie, Jason can roast with satisfaction knowing that he may be dead, but he totally fucked her mom.

Why?Okay, so this wasn’t entirely an act of bad attitude on Jason’s part, as he had a logical reason for wriggling his way into the warm birth canal of Jessie’s dead mother, but still, he chose to crawl inside of her instead of the awesome Antarctic beast from “Creepshow”. Try to imagine it: the toothy, blood-thirsty, man-eating puppet from “Creepshow”, amplified with all of Jason’s killing powers. He could have taken out Jessie, Steve, Creighton Duke and the baby in under a minute. Then, once the body disintegrated, he could choose which corpse of a Voorhees relative he wanted to be reborn through.

But no, Jason chose to bypass becoming an even-more-ultimate killing machine just so he could defile his half sister’s corpse and hurt his niece’s feelings that much more.

How this relates to us:
For most of us, when the relative of somebody we don’t like dies, human decency typically keeps us from talking ill of them, whether we actually liked them or not. Now, if we feel like acting like pricks, we might say “You’re late mother was a whore”, but that’s going to some wild extremes. But what does Jason do when your mom dies? He crams his entire body up her vagina.

No matter how much of an asshole you are, you’ll never do that.

Now go and read the rest!

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